Jokes by Liz 1 – 12
A traveling salesman, being weary from walking asked a local farmer if he could spend the night at his home. The farmer apologized for not having any room in his small home but graciously offered the salesman his pickup truck to sleep in, while sternly warning the salesman to stay away from his daughters Nellie and Venus. The salesman quickly accepted the kind offer and retired to the farmer’s truck where he spent the night and left early the very next morning. Six months later the salesman received a telegram from the farmer which read:
//Was it you who did the pushing // left the spots upon my cushion // and the footprints on my dashboard upside down.// Since you left. My daughter Nellie // has had trouble with her belly. // Don’t you think that you should show your face around?//
The salesman sent a telegram back to the farmer with the following response:
//Yes, it was I who did the pushing // left the spots upon your cushion // and the footprints on your dashboard upside down. // But since I left your daughter Venus // I have had trouble with my penis. // Don’t you think it’s 50/50 all around?//
This guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator onto the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you all a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth carefully for a whole minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the the crowd gasped. After exactly a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of many free drinks was delivered. After a few shots, the man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone five bucks, who is willing to give it a try.”
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while a young woman in hot pants walked up to him followed by another braless woman, who looked like her sister, wearing a short skirt with her see-through blouse. The first one said. “Mister, let me see the money!” The other added, “Double it! And we both are willing to try.”
The one in hot pants said, “One more thing, promise not to hit me with the beer bottle on my head!”
Two fellows went to Spain to see the bullfights. After it was over they went out to eat and one of the men ordered for the other the most expensive item on the daily menu.
The waiter came out with a nicely garnished plate on which there were two large pieces of meat. They tasted good and it was plenty more than both could have eaten at the time. As the waiter walked by they asked him what exactly they were.
“Senores! These are the balls of the bull.” The men were hesitant for a moment, they shared a paella and the meat dish, yet they found those bull balls to be quite a delicatessy.
The next year the same two men were back in Spain, they did not even bother to attend the bullfight in the arena, but after such had ended they went straight to their favorite restaurant and they ordered the balls the ones they had dreamed of all year long.
When the waiter came out with the platter, there were two much smaller balls on it. It did not look like a meal for two, neither did it taste the same.
Waving the Waiter over they inquired, “Why are the balls so small this year?”
“Oh Senores!” The waiter said, “Sometimes the bull lose, some time the bull win!”
A young fellow madly in love wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he had decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Macy’s and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: I chose this because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any of them when we got out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try ours for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
“Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?”
“You are in a hospital. I’m with the police. We weren’t sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember.”
“Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin. When we walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. Not knowing whose it was, I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and said, ‘Looks like your hole, dear!’ Well, that’s the last thing I remember!”
I decided to take the day off work and to aim for some holes, precisely to go golfing. I got to the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. A frog here or there, so what.
I thought nothing of it and about to shoot, I heard, “Ribbit, 9 iron.”
I looked around and didn’t see anyone. “Ribbit, 9 iron.” Came from the frog. I couldn’t believe it at first and just to prove the frog wrong, I put the other club away and grabbed a 9 iron. Boom, I hit ten inches from the cup. Still in shock, I said to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog. Eh?”
“Ribbit! Lucky frog.” The frog replied. So I decided to take the frog along to the next hole. “What do you think, Frog?” I asked the frog. “Ribbit! 3 wood.” I took out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. Totally befuddled not knowing what to say I listened to the frog all the way.
By the end of the day, I golfed the best game of golf in my life and I asked the frog “OK, where to next?” The frog replied, “Ribbit! Las Vegas.” We took a plane to Las Vegas and I said, “OK frog what now?” The frog said: “Ribbit! Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, I asked, “What do you think I should bet on?” The frog replied, “Ribbit! $3000 on black 6.” Now this is a million to one shot to win, but after the golf game, I figured what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash came sliding back across the table.
So I took the winnings and bought us the best hotel-room in town. I placed the frog down on the pillow of the bed and said, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You have won me all this money and I’m forever grateful.”
The frog replied, “Ribbit! Kiss me!”
I figured why not, since after all the frog had done for me he certainly deserved it. And with this kiss, the frog turned into a most gorgeous unclad 15 year old girl.
“And that, your honor, is how that naked girl got onto my bed.”
There was this real old guy at an old-timer’s dance in a downtown hotel. The problem was that he hadn’t had any sex for a real long time. He had been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn’t scored. Frustrated he approached an old grandma and said, “I’m having no luck, scoring a woman.” She said, “I’m willing. Let’s go!”
They went up to his room and after very little foreplay, they were on the bed. He loved the sex and just cannot get over the fact of how tight she was for such an old woman. He mentioned to her, that she felt just like the one and only virgin he ever had had, just over 50 years ago.
“Wow! What a wonderful performance…” he raved as he put his pants back on.
She looked up at him and said, “If I would have known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have taken my pantyhose off!”
There is that city gal who visits a farm boy. One day she goes to his parents’ house. They decide to go for a walk through the pasture.
While they are walking, they came upon two horses that are mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before. So she asks the boy, “What are they doing?” He says, “They are making love.”
“Well what’s that long thing he is sticking in there?” she asks. “Oh, uh, that’s his rope.” he answers.
“Well what are this round things on the other end? she asks. He says, “Those are his knots.” Further on during their walk, they get to watch another set of horses doing the same thing.
She says, “I got it. Oh okay I understand.” As they continue to stroll over the farmland. They reach a barn and go in. She throws herself on the hay-bales and motioning him to her she pleas, “Now, can we please, please can we try to make love just like these horses did.”
Surprised and excited the boy takes up his position. He needs no second invitation. As he is getting at it, all hot and heavy, suddenly she grabs his balls and squeezes. “Whoooa! What are you doing?” He shouts in pain.
Heavy breathing she answers “I’m untying the knots to get more rope!”
A new intern was being shown around in a medical facility out west. When he looked in to a room he saw a woman masturbating. Naturally he asked the nurse that was giving him the tour why this woman was doing this. The nurse said, “She has a disease and needs such stimulation regularly to get better.” He understands, he also asks about the insurance and is told that this is an HMO case.
At another room the nurse tells him, “Here we have a similar case as the woman earlier!” Yet the woman was not alone. “Who is this guy in bed with her?” the intern asks. The nurse answers, “She has a regular insurance plan, therefor she gets a doctor!”
There was this man in a bar with a trained elephant who was taking bets that no one could make his elephant rise up on his hind legs. He said he would pay anyone who could do that $100 but it would cost them $10 to try.
Well everyone in the bar was giving the man $10 and no one could make the elephant rise up on his hind legs. Finally a midget walked in and gave the man $10. He walked around the back of the elephant, and picked up two logs from the wood stack next to the fireplace on the far end.
He walked slowly back to the elephant and under the animal. Here he clapped the wood pieces against the “you know what” part of the elephant. Well, naturally, the elephant went right up on his hind legs.
The midget walked over to the angry man, collected his hundred bucks and left with a smile on his face.
Well, six months later the same man was back and this time he offered to give $1000 to anyone who could make the elephant shake his head up and down. Everyone in the bar tried it with no success. No one was able to make the elephant shake his head up and down. The man was making a small fortune, from all the bets collected.
Then the midget walked into the bar. The man said, “Oh no! Not you again!” and added “I’ve trained my elephant well and you are not going to get him to shake his head up and down. The midget gave the man his $10 and walked around to the back of the elephant. There he stayed for a few minutes, just long enough to make the elephant feel uncomfortable. Then he walked around to the front of the elephant and eye in eye with the animal he said, “Holla! You! You remember me?”
Automatically, in recognition, the elephant started to shake his head up and down.
A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband’s best friend. They make love for many hours, and afterwards, while they are just laying there exhausted, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. The lover next to her looks over and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. She is speaking in a cheery voice. “Hello?” “Oh hi!” “I’m so glad you called.” “Really?” “You didn’t?” “That’s absolutely wonderful.” “I’m so happy for both of you!” “Terrific.” “Thanks.” “Okay.” “Bye.”
She hangs the phone up and her lover asks, “Who was that?” “Oh,” she replies, “that was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he is having on his fishing-trip with you.”
So there was this couple, they had been married for 7 years, and one fine summer day as they are working out in the yard, the man tells his wife “Oh ma your butt is really getting fat.” She gets ticked off and moves to another part of the yard. The guy follows her and says, “You know that big gas-grill over there. I’ll bet your butt is as big as the grill. It’s huge.” The wife gets really mad tells him that he Mr. A-hole can finish the yard himself and she goes inside.
Then the husband finds a yardstick, measures the grill, goes inside and measures his wife and says, “Yup, they are both the same size!”
The wife is livid and doesn’t speak to him for the rest of the day. When he comes to bed that night and says, “Hey, honey, how about it?” She thinks for a moment and pulls away. “What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “You’re crazy! If you think I’m firing up those big grill of mine for just one little weenie of yours. You’re out of your mind!”