JOKES BUFFET 3

Jokes by Liz 25 – 36

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This one Scotsman developed a powerful thirst one evening walking home. He stopped at the local tavern and he had one drink, he had two drinks, he had twenty drinks.

Finally he left the tavern and proceeded to head for home. Before too long he passed out in the middle of the road. Early the next morning two maidens on the way to town, happened upon the man lying in the road. Always curios about what a Scotsman wears under his kilt they decided to take a peak. Gently they lifted the sleeping man’s kilt and stared in admiration at his nakedness. Soon one of the girls took a blue ribbon out of her hair and tied it around the young man’s penis. With that they quickly covered the Scotsman back up with his kilt and went along the way.

After a couple of hours the man woke up and had to go to the bathroom since he had so much to drink the night before. He wandered over to the nearest tree and lifted his kilt. He looked down and noticed the blue ribbon. He thought for a moment and then remarked to himself: “True I cannot remember one thing that happened last night but I’m certainly pleased, that I won first prize!”

***

A young man was planning a trip to Aruba and wanted to be totally tanned for the nude beach there. Shortly before he was due to leave for his vacation, he was admiring himself in his full length mirror and noticed that he was nicely tanned all over except for the one spot that he always kept covered. To remedy this situation, the next day he went to the beach and covered himself completely with sand except for that one spot, the one that he always kept covered, which he left sticking out of the sand. Before too long, two little old ladies came walking down the beach and spotted the little thing sticking up out of the sand.

One lady remarked to the other: Isn’t it amazing. When I was 20, I was afraid of it. When I was 40 I couldn’t get enough of it. When I was 60 I had to pay for it. Now that I am 80 I find that it actually grows in the sand.

***

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father I have a problem. I have those two talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquires. Blushing the lady says “They only know to say, ‘Hi! We are working girls, want a date?’ “

“I understand, such words can be very embarrassing for somebody of your high moral and standing!” The priest exclaims, “But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots, who I have taught to pray and read the bible.”

She looks at him and he quickly says “My two parrots will teach yours to stop saying this terrible phrase and learn to praise and worship.” Thank you very much father,” the woman responded.

The next day the lady brings her birds to the priest’s house. She watches the two males birds hanging on to their rosary beads praying in the cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. One of the female parrots says, “Hi! We are working girls, want a date?”

One of the male parrots looks at the other and both simultaneously say, “Put those beads away our prayers have been answered.”

***

A man goes to a busy restaurant and site down at the only empty table. As he sits down, he accidentally knocks the spoon off the table with his elbow. The waiter immediately takes a spoon from his pocket and places it on the table.

The man, impressed by the promptness of the service asks, “Do all the waiters at this restaurant carry a spoon in their pockets?

The waiter answer “We had an efficiency expert evaluate our operation and he determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoons off their

tables, and that by carrying a spare spoon on us, we save a trip to the kitchen and can be much more efficient.”

Later as the customer asked for his bill he remarked to the waiter “

Excuse me, but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?”

The waiter answered “that efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom, so the other end of this string is attached to my penis, and when I go to the bathroom, I simply use the string and never having touched myself, I don’t need to wash my hands.”

The customer asks “then how do you get your penis back in your pants?”

The waiter replies “I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.”

***

Karen looks still very attractive now, twenty years back she was an absolute stunner. I worked with her back then a resort in Big Sur, she was a waitress.

I watched Karen coming from the swimming pool, dripping wet, crossing the patio and I heard a patron starting to make comments about her tits, ass and blond hair. I know she was used to it for I had seen her dealing with drunk guys in the cocktail lounge many times. Once I wanted to be helpful, she put me right into my place. She told me that she takes care of her customers anytime herself. 

Now this fellow an older man, he was not giving up easy. He offered her money, he asked her to his room, he wanted to go out with her, the more he offered the more she smiled only to go on to her car, to get some fresh clothing. Yes, back then Karen lived out of her car. Now she lives in Carmel.

Same night, the same fellow from earlier came in for dinner, figured out Karen’s station and that’s where he sat down. Karen waited on him, she brought his drinks, ignored his paws on her arm when she took his food order. She didn’t complain about any of his vulgar remarks, when he added some obscene gestures to his idea of what he wanted to do with her later on this night, she just laughed. No! This fellow and his friends spent a great deal of money every couple of weeks at the the resort. No! She wasn’t going to let him upset her.

She brought his salad. “No! Don’t!” she said when his hand felt her rounded buttocks. “Whoowww!” she said when he pinched her. She served him his maincourse a vegetarian pasta, a huge plate of food. His mouth was watery, his eyes laughing, telling a slick joke, loud enough that everybody at the nearby tables heard it, he moved his hand over her thighs.

His eyes were watery, his mouth stopped laughing, his hands tried to protect important parts now covered with pasta as Karen nonchalant had dropped the pasta into his lap. She picked up the cheese grater and offered him some cheese on top. Everybody at the nearby tables was laughing what he was not.

“Sir anything you want me to do for you at this time?” she asked and walked away with the sexiest smile you can imagine.  

***

The top six reasons why computers must be female:

    6.    As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

    5.    No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

    4.    Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

    3.    The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

    2.    The message “Bad Command or Wrong File Name” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I am mad, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”

    1.    The number one reason, why I know that computers are females: As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

***

A young American Indian goes up to his father Wild Wind and asks him, “Father why is my sister called Riding Horse?”  “Because, my son, she was conceived while we were riding a horse.”

The boy considers such for a moment and then asks, “Father why is my brother called  Fearless Snake?”  “Because he was conceived just after your mother and I had stopped running from an angry snake, my son.”

The boy’s father looks at him curiously and eventually asks, “But why all these questions Broken Condom?”

***

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the driver that she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies.

The bus driver agrees but the nun explains that she cannot have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says it isn’t a sin because he is not married.

The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so it will have to be anal sex. Not a problem the driver says.

So being alone on the bus, they proceed to the back of the bus. When it’s over the driver says, “Sister I have a confession to make. I am married and have three kids.”  The nun says, “I have a confession to make also. My name is Alfred and I’m on my way to a costume party!”

***

The daughter of a down-town-cafe-owner wakes up several times during the week from noise coming from her parent’s bedroom. Finally one morning, after her Daddy has gone to open the cafe, she goes to her mommy and says, “Mommy every night I hear you and Daddy making noises. Last night when I looked through the key hole, I saw you bouncing up and down on him.”

“Well!” the mother says laughing “I’m bouncing on his stomach because he is fat and that makes him thin again, it flattens him out, just like letting the air out, you know.”

The little girl shakes her head and says, “But Mommy that won’t work.” “Why?” the mother asks jokingly. The little girl looks up at her, “For every time I get to Daddy’s work early from Kindergarten, the blonde girl who works for him, blows him back up.”

***

Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, “You no, sometimes I forget to eat.”

Now I have forgotten my address, my husband’s birthday, my mother’s maiden name, my PIN number and my keys. I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid person to forget to eat. In that case you don’t deserve to eat.

I remember coming back from a college sponsored two week trip and my mother helped me unpacking. She found my diaphragm. I went ahead and told her that it was a shower-cap for my cat.

We have this friend of my mothers, a great woman, she doesn’t know the difference between birth-controll pills and Valium, fourteen kids later she just switched to Prozac.

I have been told to get in touch with my body. Mine isn’t all that communicative, but I heard from it on Tuesday morning when I genially proposed, “Body, how would you like to go to the nine o’clock exercise-class and go through some vigorous tonic?” Clear as a bell I heard my body saying, “Listen bitch, do it and you shall die!”

The trouble for most women is that they get so easy excited about nothing. Then they marry him.

The way I see it in my household, if the kids are still alive by the time my husband comes home from work, then I ‘ve done my job.

The doctor said to me: “The typical symptoms for stress are eating to much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.” I looked at him and answered, “Doctor, but that is my idea of a most perfect day…” 

***

Ever since they had bought this acreage in Carmel Valley, every odd day he went out, got onto his riding lawnmower (a midsize tractor) and started to cut the greens.

This day his tractor breaks down. Outside of shouting distance to their house, from where his wife is watching him, he starts to signal her that he needs (touches his eyes and his knees) a pair (he touches his shoulders) of pliers (he crosses his arms). She responds right away with touching her breast, her butt and her crotch.

Frustrated for now, not only on even, but also on odd days, she obviously wants sex. He storms over to the house to tell her off. Yet before he can start yelling, she shouts at him, “don’t you understand nothing. I have been trying to tell you that there is a box under the seat. That’s where the pliers are.”

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To BUFFET 4

by helmut schonwalder