Jokes by Liz 37 – 48
..and the guest was rightfully furious, having waited already more than half an hour for this overworked, slow server, a male in a waiter’s outfit, to come over to the table. “Heh! You! Waiter! Waiter! We have been here since seven o’clock, it’s eight now! That’s absolutely intolerable, either take our order now, or we shall leave…!” The annoyed guest shouted at the waiter.
“Yes Sir! I shall be right back with your check, the waiter said calmly, as he was going about doing what he was doing. Everybody who had noticed the incident must have been thinking that the waiter did not care one way or the other.
The angry customer and his friends left, not without making threatening remarks towards the overworked waiter. Later after the rush was over, a customer, a regular at the restaurant asked the waiter, “I know you were very busy, but I also noticed you shined the fellow on, you totally ignored him. Why?”
The waiter smiling answered, “Oh him, the guy from the computer company? See, I called his company a month ago – nothing happened. I e-mailed them – nothing happened. I faxed them – nothing happened. I called em again – they kept me waiting on the phone for over an hour – nothing happing, I haven’t gotten any service from them yet. Now he came in to get service from me. Come on who does he think he is?”
Two parents with their young son, on a vacation to the island of Sylt, decide to take him along to the local nude beach. The father goes for a walk between the dunes and along the beach. The son goes and plays at the water’s edge.
The son comes back to his mother, who sitting under her polka-dot-sun-umbrella is reading the latest fashion magazines, “Mama! Mama! I saw ladies with boobies much bigger than yours.” The mother barely looking up answers, “the bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So the little boy goes back to play with sand and water. Not too long and he comes running back and says, “Mama! Mama! I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy’s!” The mother answers, “the bigger they are, the dumber they are!”
The son goes back to his play. The mother dozes off and subsequently the son noticing her not watching starts to explore the dunes behind them.
Watching people for a while suddenly the boy turns around and runs back to his mother. He wakes her up at once with his “Mama! Mama! I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked the dumber and dumber he got!”
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to the worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
“Certainly ma’am,” he replied courteously. “Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary. “Sorry, no,” came the reply, “but room service is available twenty four hours. Would you care to select something from this menu?” Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.
“Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary. “Certainly ma’am,” he replied. “And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. “in that case I would like to have a couple of poached eggs, please,” Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed and early in the morning Mary came down to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. “Morning madam…sleep well?” “Yes, thank you,” Mary replied.
“Food to your liking?” “Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though… .They really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully.
“Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and certainly value your opinion,” said the receptionist.
“OK, I will…thanks!” replied Mary….who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving she left to continue the journey.
Curious the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. The doctor said, “Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with much too much stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
He makes a list for the wife of things she has to do if she wants her husband to live. #1 every morning wake him tenderly, bring him coffee to bed, fix him lovingly a breakfast. #2 Be pleasant and friendly with him. #3 Make sure he goes to work in a good mood. #4 Meet him some place quiet for lunch, tell him you love him. #5 Make a nice dinner every night for him. #6 Tell him that you care much for him and don’t burden him with household chores. #7 Don’t overload him with your problems, but listen to all of his. #8 And most important make love to him at least once a week and satisfy his every whim.
The doctor said, “If you can do all of the above for about 6 to 12 months, I think your husband will regain his good health completely”.
On the way home the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?” She replied, “He said you are going to die!”
Little Johnny was in math class, and the teacher was at the front of the class asking questions related to the lecture she had just given. “If three crows are sitting on a fence, and the farmer shoots one of them, how many crows are left?” asked the teacher. She looked around the room and saw little Johnny in the back waving his arm in the air. “Alright, Johnny, tell us the answer,” said the teacher.
“None!” said Little Johnny. The teacher looked confused for a moment, then repeated the question. Again Little Johnny answered, “None.” The teacher said, “Well Johnny I don’t think that’s correct. There were three crows and the framer shot one of them. Three minus one equals… .” Little Johnny replied, “Yes, but when the farmer shot the first one, the others got scared and flew away, so there is none.” The teacher thought for a moment and said, “Well, Johnny, the answer I was looking for was two, but I like the way you think!”
As she was preparing to go on with asking questions, she noticed that Little Johnny had put his arm in the air again. She asked, “Yes Johnny?”
“Teacher would you mind if I asked you a question?” Johnny asked. “Go right ahead Johnny!” the teacher said.
“Alright,” said Little Johnny, “there are three ladies in a ice cream parlor, eating ice cream cones. One lady is licking the very top of the cone. The second is running her tongue up and down the sides. The third is sticking the entire cone in her mouth. Which one of them is married?” Johnny asked.
The teacher blushed, then said “ahem, I guess it’s the one who is sticking the whole cone in her mouth.” Little Johnny replied, “well, actually it’s the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.”
A waiter from a local dinner house suffers from severe headaches during the day for many years without relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.
This a wealthy young doctor asks him what the symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches during the early afternoons; kind of like a knife across my scalp and…” He is interrupted by the doctor, “…and a heavy throbbing behind the left ear?” “Yes! Yes! How do you know?” The waiter asks.
“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, as you know. But I myself suffered from the same headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. Now this is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and such pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Listen why don’t you try such. Do as I described every weekday in the early afternoon for the next four weeks. When you come back next month let me know how it goes.”
The month goes by real fast and the waiter is back with a bottle of champagne saying, “That’s for you doc.” “Well how do you feel now?” The doctor asks.
“Doc I’m a new man! I feel great. I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment of yours.”
“When I heard about your pain I knew the cure!” The doctor proudly confirms his own thoughts.
As the patient leaves again he thanks the doctor over and over and just as he closes the door he adds, “And by the way I must say you do have a lovely home.”
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a little sip.
So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice. He proceeded to talk up a storm. After mass he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are ten commandments not 12.
3. There are twelve decipels not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said “Take this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not say “Eat me!”
10.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter and not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy.
Other than the above you did very good. MS.
Herbert worked in a large production kitchen. He always showed up in time and was willing to stay after hours if needed. Herbert had been there for a number of years.
One day when he came home he confessed to his wife about his most terrible compulsion. He had had for month a strong urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested at once that he should seek help, maybe to see a sex therapist or at least a shrink. Herbert indicated that he was to embarrassed. He vowed to overcome his compulsion on his own.
Only a few weeks later Herbert came home absolutely ashen. His wife of many years could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Herby?” she asked. “Do you remember when I told you about this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Herby, you didn’t?” “Yes, I did!” “My god Herby what happened?” “I got fired!”
“No, Herby, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh she got fired too!”
A keen and eager young salesman applied for a job at the World’s Largest Department Store. In fact it was the biggest store ever operated and you could get anything there.
The boss liked the way this young man spoke, the way he looked. He felt the young man was certainly worth a try. The boss did not have too much hope, as this fellow had neither college nor other degrees to show.
The first day of work was a long one for the young man. The boss returned to check on the new salesman by five and asked, “How many sales did you make?” “One!” said the young salesman. “Only one?” blurted the boss, “most of my salesman make 15 to 30 sales a day.” Before canning the young fellow he still asked, “How much was the sale for?”
“Three hundred thousand three hundred thirty-three dollars and thirty-three cents.” The young man answered and surprised the boss. “How did you manage this?” The flabbergasted boss asked.
“Well,” said the salesman, “this man came in and I sold him a small fishhook, then a medium hook, a bigger hook and a real big hook. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that forty-foot sloop with twin engines. Then he said his Mercedes probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him over to the truck department and sold him one of those nice custom trucks with a sleeper and duals and a big diesel engine and custom hitches and stabilizers and lots of chrome.”
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?”
“No!” answered the salesman, “He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him: ‘Your weekend is fucked, you may as well go fishing!’ Yes that’s what I said.
One nice sunny day when the teacher walked into her classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word ‘PENIS’ in tiny letters on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class.
The next day the word ‘PENIS’ was written on the board again, slightly bigger than the day before. Again she looked around for the culprit, before continuing with the day’s lesson.
Every morning for two consecutive weeks, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day the letters were a little larger than the previous one. Each day she looked for a guilty face, each day she rubbed the word of the board, and she believed her class that none of them had written such.
Coming back from a long weekend she expected to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead she found the slogan: “The more you rub, the bigger it gets.”
The son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor has only bad news for the father who is dying of cancer. “Less than six months…” the doctor says.
The father however tells his son that he has had a good forty nine years and therefore no reason to complain. On the way home the father decides to stop at the neighborhood bar, the one where all his friends are hanging out. Here he celebrates the existence of his life insurance soon to be payable death insurance.
All his friends have a drink with him. Before he leaves the bar he tells them that he is dying of AIDS. Walking home the son asks, “Dad why did you tell em AIDS? You are dying of cancer?”
The father replies, “Precaution, precaution, I don’t want them screwing your mother after I’m gone.”
A foreign woman rushes into a hotel elevator and bumps with her chest against the room-service-waiter’s elbow. She nearly hits a food tray out of his hands. They are both quite startled. The woman turns to the waiter and indignantly says, “How rude, may I ask why you can’t be more careful?”
The embarrassed waiter apologizes to her over and over and finally says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She looks him over from toe to head before she replies, “Young man, I might reconsider. Listen, if all of you is as hard as your elbow, I entertain the thought for room service. Oui, after your shift, knock me up in room 469.”