JOKES BUFFET 5

Jokes by Liz 49 – 60

***

This business man offered this beautiful girl from next door $500 to spend once a week a night with him. And she did agree. Before he left after their first night, in the morning, to go to his office he realized he didn’t have a check book with him. He told her he would send her a check and she did not mind.

He also told her, to make it a business expenditure, he would be calling the payment rent for an apartment, which could be repeated on a monthly basis.

On his way to the office, he regretted what he had done, finding the whole event had and would not be worth the price, after all she was just another unemployed, uneducated young thing, so he thought.

He had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note:

bullet Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

            1     it had never been occupied;

            2     that there was plenty of heat;

            3     that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home;

bullet Last night I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.   

To his surprise upon receipt of the note the girl immediately returned the following letter:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, as long as you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlord.

If you want to have the apartment available till the end of the month remit the remainder of $250 at once otherwise I have to put it back on the market.

***

Traveling accross the Atlantic, the pilot of a private charter plane experiences engine problems. To return to New Jersey is not possible nor reaching land any where. He puts a MAYDAY out letting ships in the area know that he will attempt to make an emergency landing in the closest shipping lane.

He receives acknowledgments from several ships including a nearby missile-carrier.

Nothing else to be done it’s time to inform the crew and passengers. He does stress the fact that they will be fished out of the water by a navy-ship, towards which the plane is heading.

The passengers are praying, that the seas are not too high. The stewardesses take it different. One a Portuguese lady from Boston, changes into her swimsuit, the other an Irish lass from New York puts lipstick on thinking of all those guys aboard the Navyship, while the third one a African-American lady from the city is taking her cloth off.

Astonished about this the captain asks her, “why are you undressing?”

“I gonna make it easy foa ye search crew. See! Wheneva a plane goes down fiast thing they look foa is a black box.” 

***

The Mafia was looking for a man to make weekly collections from a new area of businesses that they were ‘protecting’. Due to the heat from the police in such particular area, they decided on a deaf person for this job — if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well on the first week the deaf man picks up over $50,000. He keeps $5,000 to himself. The next week he keeps $10,000 to himself and as he gets greedier and greedier, soon he keeps half of the money.

The Mafia naturally realizes that their collection is not up to par. They send some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the missing money is. The deaf collector cannot communicate with them, so the hoods drag him off to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says, “Ask him where the money is!”  The interpreter signs, “Where do you hide the money?”

The deaf replies, “I don’t know what you are talking about?” The interpreter tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it into the ear of the deaf collector. “Now ask him where the money is!” The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?”

The deaf replies, “Central Park. Half is in the first hollow tree, the rest is in the second tree-stump to the left coming from the West 78th Street Gate.” 

The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he has no money and doesn’t know what you are talking about. He wants to be left alone now. He also thinks you are nothing but a jerk who doesn’t have the nerve to pull the trigger!”

***

An attractive woman from Boston, was driving through a remote area of Arizona when her car broke down. A young strong Indian on horse back came to her rescue. He offered her a ride to town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every so often the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that “Yahoo! Yahooooo! Yahooooooo!” echoed from the surrounding hills. The horse must have been sweating a lot she noticed the saddlehorn getting wet. When they arrived in town, he led her off in front of the AAA station, yelled one final “Yahoo!” and rode off. 

“What did you do to make this Indian so excited?” asked the counterperson at AAA, who had watched  the fellow bringing her to the office.

“Nothing!” the woman answered, “I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held on for dear life onto his saddlehorn, so I wouldn’t fall off.”

“Lady” the clerk said, “I saw it with my own eyes, this Indian rode bareback.”

***

A Highway Patrol Officer pulls over a little red sports car for speeding. He carefully approaches the car and the first thing he notices is how absolutely gorgeous the driver is. Drop dead blonde, the works.

“Do you remember how fast you were going Ma’am?” He asks.   “No…, …what?” The woman answers him with a big smile.

“Could I see your driver’s license?”  “License…?” The blonde looks confused. “…it’s usually in your wallet!” The officer attempts to help her. After fumbling for a few minutes through her tiny purse the young lady manages to find it. Now may I see your registration?” Asks the officer. “Registration…? What’s that…? Where could it be…” asks the blonde. “It’s usually in your glove compartment!” Replies the officer.” After more fumbling she finds the registration.

“Did you have anything to drink…?” The officer asks looking into her blue eyes. Her eyes light up as she answers, “If I would have known I would have brought some French bubbly…!” 

“Ma’am please close the door and stay right here in your car. I will be back in a minute.”  With this the officer stops the blonde from swinging her long legs out of the car door.

The officer runs a routine check on the license and registration, and the dispatcher comes back all excited: “Is this woman driving a little red sports car?” He asks. “Yes” answers the officer. “Is she a drop dead most gorgeous blonde” asks the dispatcher. “Uh … yes” replies the officer. “Here’s what you do…,” says the dispatcher, …and give her her stuff back and just let it happen, believe me, just do as I told you!”

What? That’s crazy, the officer thinks to himself, as he returns to her car. He gives the woman her papers back and asks her to follow him to his cruiser. Here he mentions that she has a choice either to blow into a breath-testing-device or to walk a line.  He barely finishes explaining as she unzips his pants and on her knees she is… , …just as the dispatcher had said, …about her past positions as a former White House staffer.

After swallowing, the blonde takes a deep breath looking up at him and says, “Oh officer, from the breathalyzers I had had, this one is the cutest I have had all day.”

As she gets ready to walk back to her own car the blonde turns around and asks, “What does walking a line mean, under Clinton we never had such a choice?” 

***

A young couple returns from their honeymoon. The first morning at their three-level beach condo near Boston he finds her in tears in the kitchen. So the husband inquires: “What’s wrong Baby?”

“Well I came down here to make some big breakfast for you, but I can’t cook!”

“That’s okay!” The husband says while undressing her as he takes her back to the bedroom “Let me show you what I like for breakfast…”

Early afternoon the husband returns for lunch and again finds his wife crying in the kitchen. “What’s wrong Baby?” He asked.

“It’s the same like this morning, I tried to make some mighty big lunch for you, but I just can’t cook!”

Again the husband smiles and doesn’t even bother to take her to the bedroom, he undresses her there and this time he lifts her onto the kitchencounter saying, “Let me show you what I want for lunch…!”

This night after a long exhausting day with clients at his office the husband returns hungry to his wife. He finds her all naked sliding down the banisters. Whoooosh she slides down, runs up the steps and whooosh she comes down only to run up the steps again and with a whoosh sliding back down.

After adjusting his sight to what he sees he asks his wife “What the hell are you doing Baby?”

Nearly out of breath she stops and replies, “Warming up supper!”

***

Yesterday I had been trying to get an appointment with the gynecologist for this week with no luck, then early this the morning I received a call from his office telling me they had an opening within the hour.

I said “Yes” for I had some pressing question for the doctor. I rushed therefore. As most women do I washed myself in “that area” threw the washcloth into the laundry bin, got dressed and raced to the doctor’s office. I made it there being the usual ten minutes late.

I followed the procedure like all women do, hopping up on the table, looking at the other side of the room and pretending I was somewhere else like on vacation.

I was surprised hearing a chuckle in my doctor’s voice, “My my! We have taken some extra efforts today, we really want to be seen.”

I pretended I did not hear him.

When the appointment was over with a sigh of relief for he didn’t find anything wrong I went on my way to do the usual shopping, cleaning and cooking.

My daughter came home from her job at a factory and without eating much she talked about the costume ball she was going to attend.

She was all excited about this office fellow she was going with and I certainly shared her excitement. Then she came back from the bathroom “Mom where is my washcloth?”

I told her just get another from the drawer.

“No! I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitters and sparkle in it!”

***

Helmut, Liz and Sandy were at this convention in Johannesburg. They were sharing this elegant large suite on the thirtieth floor of the Carlton.

After a long convention day, with mediocre meals served by bored waitstaff, they were shocked to find out that the elevator was broken.

Longing for a hot bath and a rub Helmut was encouraging his two friends to climb the stairs with him, instead of waiting for those elevators to get fixed. Liz agreed and offered to sing songs up the first ten flights of stairs, Sandy offered to tell jokes during the next ten flights and Helmut thinking of his talents as a story teller said sure I tell stories for ten flights.

So they did and Liz sang her songs, Sandy told jokes and only ten flights of stairs to go Helmut said let me tell you a real sad story: “I left the roomkey in the car down there in garage!”

***

This friend of mine she makes tips and reports only a fraction of it to the IRS.

So naturally she gets called in for an audit. Scared she asks her accountant friend who advises her to wear her oldest cloth and to act poor.

She also asks her attorney friend, who tells her to wear her most elegant business dress and not to allow anyone to intimidate her.

When she asked me I told her, wear anything revealing and don’t bother wearing a pantyhose, but a diaphragm might be okay!

Confused she went to her rabbi, told her of the conflicting advice asking for a resolution to the dilemma.

“Let me tell you a story,” replied the rabbi. “A woman about to be married asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to the neck’ the mother suggested thinking about cool nights. The woman’s best friend suggested wear the sexiest negligee you can find and her husband to be when asked by her answered a drip of perfume between her chest and legs would be absolutely sufficient.”

The woman stops the rabbi there, “What does this all have to do with my problem and the IRS audit?”

The rabbi in a calm voice answers, “No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!”

***

The little dwarf lady goes to the doctor complaining that her crotch itches.

After a thorough examination the doctor is puzzled what could cause such condition. He asks her if it gets better or worse at certain times. The woman says it was getting real bad this El Nino year. The doctor asking for more particulars gets to find out that her irritations get real bad whenever she walks in the rain.

He says, “Next time it rains, please come right back to my office and we’ll check it out.”

A few days later another stormy day, sheets of rain wetten the streets, she is back. The doctor says, “Okay let’s have a look now!”

Within seconds he tells his nurse to get him the surgical kit. He says to the woman, “I think I found the problem!”

Scared she looks at him who answers “It won’t hurt a bit!”

She grits her teeth in anticipation for the worst. Five minutes later he asks to walk once outside and back and to tell him if she feels better. She does and yes the itch is gone for she says: “Doctor that feels great what did you do?”

“I just cut a couple of inches of your rain boots.”

***

This American fellow he meets a beautiful Italian lady on a cruiseship and on the spot decides to marry her.

She cautions him, “But we don’t know anything about each other!”

He answers: “We’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consents and they have their honeymoon in Brazil at a real fine resort outside of Rio.

So one morning they are lying by the pool, when he gets up off his towel climbs up to the ten Meter board and does a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightens out and cuts the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he comes back and lays down on the towel.

She says, “That was incredible!”

He answers, “I used to be a Olympic diving champion.  You see, I told you we would learn more about ourselves as we go along with each other!”

So she gets up jumps into the pool and does lapses. After about forty-four she climbs back out hardly out of breath, puts lipstick on, drops her g-string, lays down next to him on her back and with an inviting look on her face is gesturing him to come to her at once.

He stammers, “…great. Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer? You are the most incredible woman I have ever been with…”

And yes they make love right there. As he is rolling of her, catching his breath, she answers his earlier question, “I used to work as a prostitute in Venice and worked both sides of the canal!”  

***

MEMORANDUM

It has been brought to the managments’ attention that foul language has been used by the employees.

This can not be tolerated any longer. With this we are going to replace the most common phrases needed to operate safely in our work environment with a new vocabulary, please make a note of such immediate changes and learn the words:

New Phrase Old Phrase
Perhaps I can work late? When the f.ck do you expect me to do this?
I’m ceartin this is not feasible! No f.cking way!
Really? Kiss me before you f.ck me.
Perhaps you should check with… Talk to someone who gives a shit.
Of course I’m concerned. Ask me if I give a f.ck.
I wasn’t involved in such. It’s no f.cking problem of mine.
That’s very interesting. What the f.ck?
I’m not sure I can implement such… F.ck it! It won’t work!
I’ll try to schedulle such… Why the f.ck didn’t you tell me sooner.
Are you sure this is a problem? Who the f.ck care?
He is not familiar with the procedures around here. He has his head up his ass.
Excuse me sir I do not understand you. Eat shit and die motherf.cker.
I understand you are not happy with my input… Kiss my ass.
I am a bit overloaded at this moment. F.ck it I am on salary.
I don’t think you understand what I am saying. Shove it up your ass.
I love a challenge. This job sucks!
You want me to take care of such… ? Who the f.ck do you think you are?
I see. Blow me.
Yes, we really should discuss it. Another f.cking meeting.
I don’t think this will be a problem. Go for a f.cking flight beyond the moon.
He is somewhat insensitive He’s a f.cking prick.
She is an aggresive go getter sales person She is a ball busting bitch.
I think you could use more training. You don’t know what the f.ck you are doing.
Mrs. High, the wife of our boss The old cunt.
The boss Dickhead

To BUFFET 6

by helmut schonwalder