JOKES BUFFET 6

Jokes by Liz 61 – 69

***

This couple, John and Betsy, they had been dating for more than a year and she has been successful in holding him at bay whenever John wants sex by saying she believes as a virgin she should not have sex until marriage. Betsy always tells him, “See honey if I wouldn’t be a virgin I wouldn’t mind at all. See honey than we could do it all the time, every place, as much as you want.”

During a visit in Europe, with one of these tour operationes which visit a different city every day, John gets to take photos at the Hagenbeck’s Zoo in Hamburg.

The poor man has seen whatever one can see in a day of  Copenhagen, was 12 hours on a ferry, 6 hours on a train, spent 12 hours in Amsterdam, and 10 hours on a bus next to his girl friend who due to the summerheat has been taking more clothing off, than putting on. 

John is exhausted from being dragged all over town. He is understandable very horny too. Most of the people on the tour are his age, many are single females and they too don’t wear more than what they have to wear in the heat, earlier he listening to a couple making out in the man’s bathroom, jokes had been made about sexual escapades… , and the only one who doesn’t laugh is him, John.

Visiting the ape exhibit of the zoo Betsy is a total turnon for everyone eyeing her. Betsy is somehow attracted to a large gorilla, having a ragin hardon. Low and behold Betsy considers such to be the wildest thing she had ever seen and as to the hairyness calls the ape a cuddly cuty. Betsy urges John to put a new roll of film into the camera, for she wants to show this to all her friends. “What will he do with it, all by himself?” She asks John jokenly “Do gorillas masturbate like you?” she adds to the question. After one roll of film, Betsy begs her boyfriend to take some closeup shots of Mr. Gorilla’s manhood and her teasing him.

The young woman puckers her lips, wiggles her bottom and plays along with Mr. Gorilla. He is now jumping on the bars, holding on with one hand, grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. She gets very close, only inches out of the ape’s. John finishes the film and puts another roll in. Betsy is teasing the Gorilla with a peacock feather, she had bought eralier. Low and behold by now the ape is sporting a good ten inches with a four inch girth and he is making noises that would wake the dead.

In her semi transparent sleeveless pink spring dress with straps any male seeing can’t help it but get excited. John wishes so much, that she wouldn’t be a virgin, so he would benefit from her love. He watches her enjoyment reflecting from her face as she teasing this ape She drops one strap, maybe by coincident, braless one big titty and hardened nipple drive Mr. Gorilla absolutely crazy.

And the young man sees his chance for the most perfect photo, and some drastic changes to his sexlife. John grabs his girlfriend, kisses her long and hard, than slides the lock the cage open and before she knows what happens he flings her inside.

“Sweetheart smile!” He shouts, “Go tell HIM what you tell me all the time about sex!”

And John clicks away taking those wild pictures of the beast and the beauty waiting for his turn…   

***

“My god! What happened to you?” The bartender asks the waiter showing up for his shift wearing dark glasses to hide his black eye and bandages on his right hand.

“I got in a tiff with Trisch!”

“Trisch, the little gal, 90 lbs. 5 feet tall?”

“Yes her!”

“She must have had something in her hands!”

“That she did, a cast iron frying pan.”

“Dear Lord.” The bartender now notices the waiter’s limping around. “Didn’t you have anything in your hand?”

“Oh yes! That I did — Mercia’s tits,” the waiter answers. “And a beautiful handful she has, but not much use in a fight.”

“Mercia? Trisch’s girlfriend? How did you?”

“From behind!”

“And Trisch?”

“From behind!”

***

There are these four nuns who are told by Mother Superior to paint their room. They are told not to get any paint onto their habits.

So one of the nuns comes up with the idea to take off their habits while painting and hide them in a safe spot.

That’s exactly what they do and they are having a lot of fun painting the walls, ceilings and two doors of their room. Still the windows have to be when there is a knock at the door leading to the courtyard. “Who is it?” asks one of the nuns.

“The blind man!” a male voice answers.

The nuns think there is no problem letting him in since he is blind as long as they stay out of his reach. One opens the door, the others keep on painting.

Stunned they stop, frozen in place when they hear him saying, “Nice boobs sister! Howdy! Great ass! Fine love handles sister! No tan lines nice skin sister! What a welcome. I gladly do blinds for you any time…”  as he puts down two long boxes marked Vertical Blinds. 

***

A woman wearing very little was shaking out a big rug on the rooftop in front of her 69th floor penthouse when a sudden gust blew the rug – and the woman – over the railing.

“Oh no! How stupid!” She thought as she fell.

A man on the 44th floor caught hold of her carpet and she was hanging on for dear life. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude he asked her, “Do you suck?”

“No!” She shrieked, aghast. So he dropped her.

Nine floors below two men were sunning in the nude, they saw her coming and caught her. Both men were holding her and one saying “Woman you feel good, do you fuck as good as you look?”

“Dare you, of course not!” she exclaimed scratching the mens’ faces with her fingernails who naturally let her go.

The poor woman prayed to God to help her one more time. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time by a man on the 21st floor.

“I suck! I fuck! she screamed in panic.

“Slut!” he said and dropped her. 

***

bullet Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
bullet Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults adultry?
bullet How do I set my laser printer on stun?
bullet How is it possible to have a civil war?
bullet If all the world is a stage where is the audience sitting?
bullet If God would drop acid, would he see people?
bullet If love is blind, why is lingery so popular?
bullet If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
bullet If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still only #2?
bullet If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
bullet If you are born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
bullet If you ate pasta and antipasto would you still be hungry?
bullet If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
bullet Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
bullet Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”?
bullet If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
bullet Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?

***

Three soldiers of fortune are about to be executed in a South American country. Yet they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The Italian responds Oso Bucco, which is prepared for him and served. He then is executed.

The Frenchman asks for Escargots and Filet Mignon a la Wellington, such is prepared, served and the man is executed.

The Israeli requests a plate of fresh strawberries. “Strawberries???” Yes, strawberries. He is told, “They are out of season!” 

“So I’ll wait!” he answers.

***

A young woman married just over three years can never get her husband to do anything around the house. He comes home from work, sits in front of the tv, eats dinner, sits some more and goes to bed.

He never does those little chores and household repairs as expected from a husband. His actions frustrate the woman quite a bit. And their sex isn’t anymore what it once used to be.

One day the guest-room toilet stops up. When her husband comes home she says sweetly, “Hon, the toilet is clogged, would you please look at it?”

The husband answers with a “What do I look like? The sewer and drain guy? Just use the other toilet.”

A few days later the garbage disposal stops working. When her husband gets home she asks him very nicely, “Hon, the disposal doesn’t work. Can you please look at it?”

The husband answers, “What do I look like? A plumber? Just do without!”

The next day she has problems with the washing machine and the dryer. However only the dryer stops working. When her husband comes home she uses all her courage to beg him to look at the dryer.

The husband snarls at her, “What do I look like? The Maytag repairman? Hang the wash outside to dry!”

Finally she has enough! It’s her house. She wants to have the toilet working, the dryer drying her clothes and the garbage disposal working as such is supposed to work. She calls repairman for all three jobs and tells them about all her problems with her husband and the equipment.

The men are understanding and throughout the next few days they fixed all what needs fixing. The husband notices nothing.

Finally she says to him, “Hon, the washer and dryer are both fixed. The garbage disposal is working too and the toilet works just fine.”

“How did you do it?”

“I called three repairmen!”

“But I have no money for it!” The husband tells her off.

“Well Hon, I told them and they said they are willing to barter. They asked for each hour worked to receive one cake baked by me or that I provide sex as trade.”

“Well how many cakes did you bake? What kind?” her husbands unfriendly like always asks her.

Happy like she hasn’t in years, all smiles, she answers him “Who do I look like? Betty Crocker? Some baker woman?”

***

A wife returns home to Monterey early from her trip to her sick brother in Alaska. She finds her husband in bed with a younger woman.

She is about to storm out of the house when her husband offers to explain everything. Yes she certainly wants to hear this.

“Listen dear, when I was driving home I saw this poor, tired looking creature standing by the road. I stopped and offered her a ride.”

“So?” the wife says grinding her teeth.

“She said she was hungry, so I fed her some of the leftover turkey you were going to throw out sooner or later!”

“Yes?” the wife remarks.

“Her shoes were completely worn, so I gave her a pair of yours, the ones you put aside to be donated.”

Okay?” the wife says.

“She was cold, so I gave her your red sweater, the one you don’t like for it’s too tight and too bright.”

“So?” The wife says.

“Her slacks were tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours, that don’t fit you anymore.”

“What else?” The still fuming wife wants to know.

“Dear, then just as she was about to leave, she stopped, she asked me, ‘is there anything else your wife no longer uses?’ and I said yes and I was just going to show her what in the bedroom when you came in.”

***

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried to leave Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said, come back in a week.

A week later King Arthur was back at Merlin’s lab where the wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

The King pointed at the rather large opening, “this is supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

“Ah, Sire, just observe!” the wizard answered. He found in the woodbin a twig an inch in diameter and as he inserted such into the gaping aperture of the chastity a small guillotine blade cut right through the wood, neatly and smooth.

“You are a genius!” said the grateful monarch, “Now I can leave knowing that the Queen will be fully protected. And after locking Guinevere in the device, King Arthur set out on his Quest. Several years past till he returned to Camelot.

Immediately upon his return he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection. Sure each and every one was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

“Sir Galahad”, exclaimed the King “Only you among all the nobles has been true to me. What is it in my powers to grant you? Name it and it’s yours.”

Sir Galahad looked at the King, tongueless he was unable to answer.  

***

This guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by  his side. He put the alligator onto the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you all a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth carefully for a whole minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the the crowd gasped. After exactly a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of many free drinks was delivered. After a few shots, the man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone five bucks, who is willing to give it a try.”

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while a young woman in hot pants walked up to him followed by another braless woman, who looked like her sister, wearing a short skirt with her see-through blouse. The first one said.  “Mister, let me see the money!” The other added, “Double it! And we both are willing to try.”

The one in hot pants said, “One more thing, promise not to hit me with the beer bottle on my head!”

***

Two fellows went to Spain to see the bullfights. After it was over they went out to eat and one of the men ordered for the other the most expensive item on the daily menu.

The waiter came out with a nicely garnished plate on which there were two large pieces of meat. They tasted good and it was plenty more than both could have eaten at the time. As the waiter walked by they asked him what exactly they were.

“Senores! These are the balls of the bull.” The men were hesitant for a moment, they shared a paella and the meat dish, yet they found those bull balls to be quite a delicatessy.

The next year the same two men were back in Spain, they did not even bother to attend the bullfight in the arena, but after such had ended they went straight to their favorite restaurant and they ordered the balls the ones they had dreamed of all year long.

When the waiter came out with the platter, there were two much smaller balls on it. It did not look like a meal for two, neither did it taste the same.

Waving the Waiter over they inquired, “Why are the balls so small this year?”

“Oh Senores!” The waiter said, “Sometimes the bull lose, some time the bull win!”

***

To BUFFET 1

by helmut schonwalder