How To Annoy Your Guest (if you host a party)?

Looking at the inventory of most unusual ways how organizers of parties insult their guests.


Each and every time a course of hot food is served, get up and hold a speech. Not too long, but talk for at least five to ten minutes. You want to make absolutely sure that the hot served food is going to be cold by the time your guests get to eat it.

…if you ever host a party…

…use any table. Seat your “friends” nice and cozy. Wherever possible squeeze an extra chair in, for maximum seating capacity at any table. Roll each guest’s silverware into a napkin — dessert, main course, soup, appetizer and what-have-you, -spoons, -forks, -knives — and let them find their own tools with which to eat. If your party is a formal affair list hints of how not to behave at the dinner table, and give each guest a copy of such rules at the arival.
Decorate your dinner table with large bushy flower arrangements and tall candle holders. Make sure each guest is sheltered from the view of anyone sitting oposite. It is okay if they talk to each other. However, you do not want them, your guests, to be able to watch each other as they clean their plates.
Each and every time a course of hot food is served, get up and hold a speech. Not too long, but talk for at least five to ten minutes. You want to make absolutely sure that any hot served food is going to be cold by the time your guests get to eat it.
If you like everlasting impressions then insist that each one of your guests will get up and talk too. An effective way is the military roll call. You call their name! They get up! You naturally start with the women. Standing up, each female guest has to introduce herself to all men. She has to tell who she is and why she is with whom she is. Insist that each woman talks about her achievements in life and her future goals. Whenever you get to a shy one, order shooters of tequila or schnapps for her, until she can talk freely. Do not forget to tape this type of true confession for a later use and public embarrassment.
After they serve a round of drinks, tell your waiters that it is a non host bar. Insist that you pay only for what you drank. Let your guest pay for what they drink and already drank, but do not mention a word to them. Always let the waiter be the bearer of the bad news, that’s why you tip him good. If this party turns out to be a success, go ahead and plan another one. This time you make your reservation at the best restaurant in a nearby big city. Choose a quiet night for your dinner at the restaurant. A Sunday following a busy Saturday is ideal. After your reservation, for two, has been confirmed for Sunday, you are ready to send your invitations out.
Use good paper and expensive envelopes printed by a reputable outfit. Use stamps and first class postage, no third class mail. If you invite people from overseas, always use airmail. This is more expensive but you want them to get your invitations in time. Double check the spelling of your name. Make sure the day on the invitation is Saturday and the time eight o’clock. See to it that the address and location of the restaurant are understandable. Include several copies of street and city maps.
Comes Saturday, the Saturday, you spend the day out of town. Go climb a rock in Yosemite. Check out a volcano on Hawaii go fishing in Alaska, or visit relatives in the Tundra. Whatever you do avoid any telephone. On Sunday return.

Now, dress up for the party. Show up suntanned with a healthy appetite and hundreds of stories to tell to anyone who wants to hear it. You shall have everybody’s attention dining at your table for two in the fancy restaurant of your choice.
On Monday send E-mail to your friends saying how outraged you are about the printer’s mistake, putting the wrong day on the invitations. Spell out the name of your attorney who is going to sue the irresponsible printer. You naturally have no intention to sue, but why tell them, your “cheap friends” who always expected you to pay for them. If all you wanted was to make sure they would never forget the last party you had invited them too, and teaching them a lesson so they would no longer want to bother you, you might have succeeded now.

If this story sounds too far fetched and you think such as the before mentioned episodes do not happen in real life, come work for a restaurant.
Listen to the excuses customers have when they show up a day early or a day late. See for yourself how some guests’ who host a party treat their friends. Become aware of what atrocious flower arrangements some hosts put in front of their guests’ faces. And experience the way how some hosts entertain their guests. Hear some of the speeches held at dinner parties.
Here in Monterey I have seen a wedding dinner for sixty invited guests where each guest had to pay for his own drinks and food. They did not know it until they got there, some did not even know till after eating their meal. Watching those most embarrassed people borrowing money from each other in an attempt to pay their checks was very interesting.

Come work as a bus person or waiter for a while and get a taste of some really unusual requests: Ten separate checks for a party of twenty are nothing compared to what some people ask for. Watch customers fighting and arguing about the check if you do not provide separate checks. Meet the ones who order everything if somebody else pays, but are penny pinchers when they get to pay their own check. Or watch the sight of guests who, after a few drinks, start to insult not only their wait person but also their table partners. People can be so funny. If you have a good sense of humor, you will have a lot of fun too. Summa summarum it’s a fact, “The restaurant business is one of the most entertaining on this planet.”

by helmut schonwalder