Jokes by Liz 13 – 24
This woman she is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of the loved one are dumped into the ocean.
She had been married for a long time to a cheapskate, 33 years to be precisely. Finally he had died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he thought a burial plot would cost much too much.
After the memorial services she goes to the railing to pour the ashes out. She pours just a little into her hand and starts talking to him “Johnny” you know that one mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself two full length coats lined with mink.
She empties the handful of ashes and pours some more into her hand. “Oh Johnny” she says, “you know the trip to the Caribbean I always wanted, well I booked a world-cruise, on which I go tomorrow for 90 days.”
She empties this handful of ashes and pours some more into her hand. “And Johnny” she continues, “you know that big yellow Cadillac I had been hoping for those last ten years. Yes, I bought myself a sunshine yellow Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream. Believe me, those men, all much younger than myself cannot keep their eyes of my car.”
She empties this handful of ashes and pours the final remainder from the urn into her hand. “And yes my dear,” she says, “You know this blowjob you always wanted me to do?”
…and she blows the rest of the ashes out onto the sea.
A trainee recently found a condom in a McDonalds hamburger: Here are David Letterman’s explanations “The Top Ten List of McDonald’s excuses for a condom in a Big Mac.”
#10 We were test marketing the new “McTrojan.”
#9 Condom, condiment — what’s the difference?
#8 It was either there or in the vanilla shake.
#7 Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.
#6 We are experiencing with a new, even happier “HappyMeal”.
#5 So what? A regular BigMac is 60% latex anyway.
#4 Employees to embarrassed to say, “Would you like condoms with that?”
#3 Drive through speaker broken “Cokes with lots of ice” sounded like “Provilactic device.”
#2 Extremely cautious employees use both rubber gloves and condoms to guarantee satisfaction.
#1 McDonald’s excuse for the Condom in the BigMac When you are serving billions and billions you can’t be too careful.
A couple just retired to Pebble Beach. The husband and wife would like to play together golf. Yet neither one knows how to play. So they decide to take private lessons.
The husband goes for his first lesson. After the pro sees his swing, he is telling the man that he is gripping the club too hard. “Hold the club gently, just like you would hold your wife’s breast.” The man takes the advice and whack hits the ball straight down the fairway about 25 yards. He goes home and tells his wife how his lesson went. She is excited and can hardly wait for her lesson.
The next day she goes for her lesson and gives a demonstration swing. Lo and behold she is holding the club too gently. So the pro tells her to hold it just like she would hold her husband’s penis. She takes the advice, swings and THUMB the balls goes straight down the fairway about fifteen feet.
The pro says, “That was great. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing it as you’re supposed to do.”
This one young man when he was in Jr. high all he wanted was a girl with big tits.
In high school he dated a girl with big boobs, but there was no passion. So he decided that he needed a passionate girl. In college he dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She cried all the time. She he decided he needed a girl with some stability. He found a stable girl. But she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So he decided to get a girl with some excitement. he found an exciting girl. He couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another. She was directionless. So he decided to find a girl with some ambition. Just after college he found one who was ambitious. He married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced him and took everything he owned.
And now all he wants is a girl with big tits.
There was a man from Sicily who wanted to become an American citizen. He was studying real hard for a long long time. Finally one of his friends said, “Luigi, hey, when are you going to become an American citizen?” Luigi said, “I’m gonna go before the judge in two weeks for my test.
When the time came for Luigi to go down to the courtroom all of his friends were along to watch and cheer him on. They were all up in the peanut gallery.
The judge told Luigi he was going to ask him three questions. If Luigi answered them correctly he would become an American citizen. Luigi said to the judge, “That’s no problem Judge. I’ve been studying real hard.”
The judge asked, “Luigi who was the first President of the United States?” Luigi answered, “That’s an easy one. It was George Washing Machine.” The judge replied that’s close enough. And all of Luigi’s friends cheered loudly.
The judge asked the next question, “Luigi, who was the president who freed the slaves?” Luigi without much thinking answered, “Abraham Log Cabin” The judge said that’s good enough too. Again all of Luigi’s friends cheered from the balcony.
The judge asked his third question. “Luigi, who killed Abraham Lincoln?” Luigi, didn’t say a word for minutes. He looked up to the balcony, where it was absolutely quiet. It was almost like those friends of Luigi have stopped breathing. “I cannot tell you that!” Luigi looked straight at the Judge as he said it and all his friends jumped up and down and applauded. They were shouting: “That’s right Luigi, that’s a right, we no rat on nobody!”
There was a group of Italians in London who wanted to tour the city. So they rented a double-decker bus. They had only enough people to fill the bottom floor, so they asked a group of North Korean visitors if they wanted to share their bus. The Korean’s agreed and went up to the top level.
All those Italians were having a grand time on the first floor. They were drinking, singing and laughing like crazy. They barely noticed how the driver missed those tree branches as he showed them the suburbs and skillfully went in and out of mayor traffic arteries throughout the city to get his busload close enough to all those famous buildings.
Finally, as it was so quiet upstairs, one of the Italians went up to check on the Koreans. Here he saw them all huddled together staring out the window. They sat there silent and obviously scared speechless.
He asked, “Why are you all so quiet and tense, we have downstairs such a good time, we have fun raising hell.
It took the Korean translator some time, finally he said, “Is easy for you to have fun and relax, you have a driver.”
A husband and wife and their two very young sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, “Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we are going up to our room for a little while.”
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents’ bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
“Before you look in,” he says “keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts for sucking our thumbs.”
Everybody at this local Sportsbar was certain that their bartender was the strongest man around town. The regulars had seen it over and over and word of mouth had let other know about this unusual strong barkeeper.
The bar’s owner even went so far that he offered a standing $ 1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice run into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out of the lemon would win the money.
Many people had tried over time, weightlifters, longshoremen, woodcutters, cowboys, big and large men. But nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and he said in a tiny squeaky voice, “Eh, I would like to try the bet, yes.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowds laughter turned to total silence as the little man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender handed him the envelope with the $1000 bill. He asked the little man, “Are you a judo expert, or some marshal arts guy or…?” and added “…are you working for a circus?” The little man from behind the thick glasses, frowning answered, “No! I am from the IRS!”
A man went into a restaurant and noticed how beautiful the waitresses were. Finally his waitress came to the table and asked him what he wanted to order. He pointed at the menu and smiling said, “I’ll have a quickie!” Shocked at his answer she quickly walked away. A few minutes later the beautiful waitress came back to his table to give him another chance.
He again dead serious with a quiet voice said, “I’ll have the quickie now!” She walked away giving him all sorts of questioning looks and talked to another nearly as pretty waitress. This one came over to his table saying, “Sir what do you want from her?” he looked into her eyes answering “All I want is a quickie!” This waitress short tempered slapped him across the face.
Yet looking at the menu where the men’s finger was still pointing, she said, “Oh no! I’m so sorry. Do you still want the quiche? I’m so sorry why didn’t you say so?”
Down at the river, three young boys were talking one day when one said to the other that he wished he had chocolate bars all over his body. So, then when he wanted one he could just take it and eat the candy bar.
The next said he wished he had nickels all over his body, “then when I want candy or anything else all I have to do take some off, go to the store and buy anything I want.”
The third boy looking out over the water said, “Not me, I wish I had hair all over my body.” The other two boys said quickly, “How gross!” “Why do you want it?” “It’s disgusting!” All serious the boy turned towards the other two saying, “Well my sister has a patch this big and she owns half of Chicago.”
One day there were two men walking down the beach. One of the men saw an Aladdin like lamp in the sand. He picked it up and began rubbing off the sand, when all of a sudden a genie came out of the lamp.
The genie was so grateful to be out of the lamp that he wanted to grant the man three wishes. The man thanked the genie and said he was content with his life and he really did not need anything. Then he wandered off down the beach. His friend whispered to the genie that the man could use a few things. He said that his friend could use a little more money and he could stand to improve his golf game and he certainly could have a better sex life. With that the genie nodded his head and said “Done.”
About six months later the genie saw the same man walking down the beach again. He went over to him and asked him how things were going. The man said great and that things couldn’t be better. The genie asked him, “How is your financial situation?” The man answered “Just fine, the money is rolling in faster than I can spend it.”
Then the genie asked him how his golf game was. The man replied “It’s never been better! Just yesterday I got another hole in one.”
Finally the genie asked the man how his sex life was. The man smiled and said, “That’s great too. I am getting it three or four times a month.” The genie said, “Well that’s not very good?” The man said, “It is if you are a priest in a small town!”
This couple went to the hospital to have their baby. When the doctor came into the room, he asked the husband if he wanted to try out this new machine that would allow the baby’s father to take some of the pain away from his wife. Without wires attached the father would experience whatever pain-level set by the doctor.
The husband in front of his wife said sure, he would be happy to help out his wife and share in the birthing process. The doctor set the machine at only 5% of the pain, to see how the father would handle it.
Well the husband said turn it up because he didn’t feel a thing. So, the doctor set the machine at 10% and the husband still said turn it up. So the doctor went as far as 50% and still the husband requested to set it higher. The doctor was impressed with the husband’s ability to handle pain. He turned the machine up all the way.
Well, anyway, the husband said having a baby was a piece of cake and the wife went through a painless delivery. Everything went great and they left the hospital the same day with a beautiful baby boy. When they arrived at their home, they found their renter, a young waiter who had died in great pain in their living room.